I like Dais. It’s gender neutral. It’s fun to say. It’s very punnable. It’s unique. My mom already uses it. For a very confused gender fence-sitter, it does the job. I’m writing under it, directing under it, even my professors use it now. But sometimes I wonder, if I went full-time boy and transitioned completely…what kind of boy would I be? What name would suit that?
In order to find some answers, I downloaded Kinder, which is like Tinder, but for baby names. I selected my categories: English (England), English (New Zealand), English (United States), English (Australia), English (Celebrity), English (Celebrity kids) Irish (Ireland) and Mythology. And then I got to swiping.
As I kept swiping left on name after name, I imagined who I could possibly be with a name like…
Likes: Miller High Life, saying “cool cool cool no doubt no doubt no doubt” and thinking it’s my cool thing that I made up when it’s clearly Andy Samberg’s
Dislikes: Professors who don’t understand my “worldview,” Girls who post selfies with Lana Del Rey lyrics as the caption
Likes: Those belts that have like…crabs embroidered on them, Huge Teas from Cookout, going to Five Points on the weekend, Hard Rock Cafe T Shirts, The Doors
Dislikes: FRIENDS. MATTHEW PERRY. BEING CALLED CHANANDLER BONG.
Twitter handle: @notsarcastic
Likes: Pat Conroy novels, Instagramming pictures of lakes, poetry slams, calling girls on Tinder “madam,” quote tweeting Trump’s tweets with a cutting quote from The Office.
Dislikes: Southern Gothic Short Stories, STEM majors, peacocks, Starbucks, people who call me “Flan”
Twitter handle: @hardtofind
Likes: The collected works of Charlie Kaufman, Folding Ideas video essays, complaining about how feminism is ruining Hollywood, Fred Armisen
Dislikes: Country music, the Marvel franchise, people who say they will be a “smidge” late and then a “smidge” turns out to be a half hour, Oscar bait
Twitter handle: @cadenable
Likes: Quoting That 70’s Show in conversation, highlighting my hair, wearing button downs over t shirts, retweeting tweets about how terrible straight men are without a hint of self awareness
Dislikes: Riverdale as a concept, people who wear shorts even in the winter, Lifetime movies, girls who don’t like being called “Fair Maiden”
Twitter handle: @IdesofArch
Likes: playing bass clarinet, tweeting pictures of tattoos with the caption “one day…” even though I’m terrified of needles, hats, trying to make people call me “JJ” or “J Squared” when I’m feeling fancy.
Dislikes: wearing shoes, banana pancakes, fake punks, buttoning shirts, the Establishment, Mark Zuckerberg, reading books, the Ras Trent SNL sketch
Twitter Handle: @JaxPoetic
Likes: Daily Mass, snapchatting pictures of trees, John Mulaney, retweeting stuff from The Dodo, harboring a lot of crushes on girls that I “love like a sister” and encouraging them to pray for their future husband.
Dislikes: Girls going for terrible boys when the perfect boy is right in front of them all along, readers who mess up location names during Mass, singing hymns
Twitter Handle: @nojustonet
Likes: quote tweeting things with #hottake just to get more attention, yoga, journaling, those hoodies that look like they’re dirty even tho they are clean, being contrarian in philosophy classes, making up deep quotes and crediting them to “anonymous”
Dislikes: phonies, people who let others’ opinions get to them, meat, the way the world is just…so online all of the time, labels
Twitter Handle: @touchtheky
Likes: Bo Burnham, vine compilations, tweeting screenshots of my own twitter draft folder, claiming to be soooo drunk when I’m completely sober, podcasts, karaoke
Dislikes: Ellen DeGeneres and everything she stands for and has been involved in, she knows what she did.
Likes: Attention from girls named Lauren, stock car racing, stealing kisses, slowly building up someone’s trust and then tearing their world apart in front of millions, Arizona, mailing journals to my ex after they dumped me, real estate
Dislikes: decision making, commitment, perfectly good 22 year old girls with eyes like the amber the mosquito got trapped in in Jurassic Park