An Actually Good Gift Guide For College Students

I love gift guides, I really do, but boy do they leave something to be desired in the college age range. Even on Goop it’s like “here’s some trendy headphones for teenagers, bish bash bosh.” We don’t need trendy headphones. We need headphones that won’t break and earbuds that won’t lose the little ear condom part. We need wireless headphones because the tech world hates 3.5mm jacks, and wireless headphones with a battery that will last from my first class until rehearsal ends at 9.

No, actually, let’s address this. Every gift guide for teenagers lists headphones as their first item. We have headphones! We need headphones in our day to day lives! When we need headphones we don’t say “Oh well, maybe Santa will bring me some.” We buy new headphones!!! How else are we supposed to not bother our sleeping roommates while we listen to the Far Cry 5 soundtrack again??? How else are we supposed to signal to freshman we see on our way to class that no, we don’t want to talk? Please do not buy your college student headphones unless they specifically say “I care about the quality of audio I receive and would appreciate the investment in an expensive piece of equipment.”

1. A Candle Warmer

Give your best college acquaintance the gift of getting RAs off your back. Dorm living sucks no matter which way you cut it, but one thing that always really bothered me was that no open flames are allowed. At least, not in most old dorms like mine. Enter this candle warmer, found in the clearance rack at target. I stuck a candle under it, and not only does the candle melt, it doesn’t melt down as quickly so it lasts longer. Consider buying them a few fun scented candles to go with it like The Boyfriend Candle or wax melts scented like literary figures (just stick the melts in a jar under the lamp)!

A Weighted Blanket

Look, you can’t give a college student the gift of fixing the incredibly anxiety-making environment of college education, but you can get them something to help them forget it. Weighted blankets make it hard to get out of bed but we’re college students! Getting out of bed is the hardest part of our day regardless! Also, if you are someone who likes to entertain bed guests, I see no cooler pickup line than “This blanket will make you feel calm it’s on my bed go ahead and try it ouuuuut.”
Always ask for clear confident and enthusiastic consent, friends!

Food. Delivery. Gift. Cards.

I know, I know, they’re not “personal” or whatever, but let me tell you: if someone bought me a doordash gift card, I would think about how great they are through every single greasy bite of Wendy’s Swawesome Fries. The gift of delivery is the gift of Treat Yo Self, and the gift of Treat Yo Self is what we all deserve.

A Bed Tray

Look, I’ll be the first one to say that the college student I know best is me, the kid who never leaves his bed and does alllllll work while lying down. But bed trays are great for sitting on the floor, making your dorm desk a standing desk, claiming a spot in the library, you name it. Bed trays are the new lap desk, you heard it here first.

An Apron

We should all be working in aprons.

A Teddy Coat

I don’t just enjoy things that make your dorm room cozier, although that is a major motivation of mine, I also keep an eye on the trends. This fall, fortunately enough, the trend is Teddy Coats: plush, shearling, or faux fur coats that make you look like, well, a teddy bear. Worried about sizing? Don’t be! Oversized is everything now, and thank god, because I’ve been rocking that trend since my growth stopped at age like 14.

Tickets

Look up what’s going on near the college during the school year, and buy them two tickets (for a friend, or, if you’re nearby, you!) for something they’d enjoy but wouldn’t necessarily be able to afford. For most people, that would be concerts, I will admit most of my classmates aren’t as jazzed about our local theatre troupe putting on An Octoroon as I am. But this is a bingo choice for Pretentious Art Kids like me. Film Student? Gift card to an arthouse theatre or, come on, who are we kidding, buy them tickets to The Favourite. Music Major? Hello symphonies. Really, the more pretentious the better when it comes to tickets. The jackpot is opera tickets, nothing says “I am a Sophisticated Student of the Arts” like rolling into class like “oh, well, I was at the OPERA last night…”
Please only go this route if you know the student well enough to guarantee they’d enjoy it.

A Nice Liquid Receptacle

We have meal plans, we get access to a beautiful soda fountain 3 times per day. In between that, we gotta make do. Enter: My beautiful Yeti mug, who I fill with 72 oz of lemonade at 11:30 and 8:00 every day. She is beautiful, she is strong, she’s as cold as ice, willing to sacrifice, etc. You like S’well? Get them S’well. You like some other brand? Buy them another brand.

Vine Reference Stickers

I have yet to meet a college student who doesn’t know the EXACT inflection of the phrase “fre shavaca do,” get them stickers to communicate to others that they understand internet humor. Ask them their favorite vines, a totally normal thing that people do, and then redbubble that shit! But if you do, buy 10 because 50% offffff yessssss.

LED lighting fixtures + Smart bulbs

I don’t need to tell you that dorm lighting SUCKS SO BAD. You get one fluorescent light and that’s it. It’s lucky for us, then, that we’re living in an LED golden age. Everything is so dirt cheap, you can get 5 feet of app-controlled LED strips and set your own mood lighting! Or, if you know they’re like me and do everything to the light of their bedside table, try a Smart Bulb!